when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize