new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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