you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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