I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize