I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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