Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
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I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
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And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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