I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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