yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
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You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
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I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
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