I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
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If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
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Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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