I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
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Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
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I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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