I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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