At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
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Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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