Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
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And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
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I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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