who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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