new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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