You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
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Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
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I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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