I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize