About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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