my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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