I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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