He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
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Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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