Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
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That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
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Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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