he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
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Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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