Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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