Princesses don't give blow jobs
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
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Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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