She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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