Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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