i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
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I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
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On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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