I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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