I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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