Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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