I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize