Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
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He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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