What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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