just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
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And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
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She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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