I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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