Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
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Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
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I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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