I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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