Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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