My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it was like eating out sand paper
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
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well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
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I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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