I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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