You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Can I color on your dick again?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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