So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
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im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
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I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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