i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
false alarm. still invincible.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
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woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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