I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize