and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
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Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
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He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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