the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
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you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
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I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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