I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
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Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
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And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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