I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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