oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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